Addiction is without doubt the most cunning and deceitful voice in my head that I have ever had the displeasure of listening to. Before you have too many concerns for my mental capabilities, however, I can assure you I have been properly assessed by various psychiatric consultants and yes, you guessed it, the voice in my head belongs to my addict.
This is the addict who tells me that I don’t have a problem with alcohol, or drugs. The addicts who tells me I’m not worth knowing and the addict who tells me I’m worthless.
Of course, in recovery, I argue back.
I have to.
If I believe the voice that tells me it’s ok to have just one drink I’ll lose everything I have worked so hard to gain. The problem with addiction is that it doesn’t just lie to me about its existence but it lies to me about how I feel, how I look and my ability to read minds.
Yes…I can read your mind…at least that’s what my addiction tells me…
I’ve battled with this voice for most of my life, accepting its presence within me, believing what I heard. Only through recovery have I begun to understand that the self destructive thoughts are a part of my illness and that with a drug free mind, I don’t have to believe what I hear, no matter how loud the voice becomes.
You may be wondering how I live with a liar in my head and the honest answer is that I take it one day at a time. I can’t tell you that it magically disappeared the day I stopped drinking but it has become quieter. Alcohol only aided the volume of the voice and the severity of the comments. A clear drug free mind helps with my rational thoughts and allows me to take a few seconds to consider my next move before reacting.
Above all else, my salvation against this voice has been close friends with good recovery and my family. I have learnt that saying a thought or feeling out loud takes the power out of the emotion so much so that in some instances, it can vanish completely. I am also pretty stubborn when I want to be and I refuse to let my addict take control anymore. My addict much prefers isolation and secrecy and in recovery, I whole heartedly refuse to give in to that.
Recovery is absolutely magical. The magic lies in having a knowledge of my illness and being able to quieten the voice that tells me it doesn’t exist. My voice of recovery knows I will always be an addict and just for today, it’s the one that’s shouting just that little bit louder.
To those of you that are deafened by the voice of your addict, don’t give up. There is peace around the corner, you just have to reach out for it.
My name is Georgie and for the last 11 years I have been in active addiction. You name it and I have been addicted to it (apart from sex..much to my boyfriend's disappointment!)
Here is my story and my journey through recovery.
Who am i? How did this happen? Why am I telling you this?
My name is Georgie, I am an addict and this is my truth. I'd love to hear from you so please feel free to get in touch via the email below.