It occurred to me today that I’m actually proud of where I am and there are moments in each day when I even like the person I have become. Of course, I never started out with the intention of becoming an addict and rehab wasn’t on the tick list of life events I had planned for myself, but I am more accepting of who and what I have become.
I’ve also had enough therapy to understand that, for me anyway, I was born this way. There is an element of relief in that. An absolution from the blame that I had somehow set out to cause hurt to my family and friends, isolate myself from the world and get drunk at all of the most inappropriate times (there was never an appropriate time I should add) until more often than not, I was sick and blacked out.
The blackouts for me were one of the most frightening aspects of where my drinking took me to. More frightening than the dangers I placed myself and others in when I no longer had any regard for my own safety, or those I was with.
Blackouts when drunk are not the type of experiences where you drink until you fall asleep, perhaps that would have been easier for me to understand. The types of blackout I experienced were where you are conscious, but will retain no long term memory of your behaviour.
I have lost count of how many times this has happened to me, coming to in a strange situation or waking up the next morning with no memory of how I got home, let alone what I had said and done. In the last few weeks of my drinking career the blackouts were frequent and the memories of those days have still not returned. My heart sinks whenever I think back to that time and whilst I am aware that I will need to make certain amends to those I hurt when it comes to those last hazy weeks, my soul isn’t ready to cope with going there just yet.
Life for me now is all about perspective. A wise man in recovery once said that ‘all action is born in thought.’ If he is to be believed (and I believe him) then how I behave in life is dictated by what I think as what I think will dictate how I feel resulting in my behaviour (you’ll see the circle).
I therefore no longer see my illness as something that is going to hold me back. Recovery has shown me that I can live normally (whatever normal really means) and teaches me how to handle day to day human interaction which previously used to baffle me. Before recovery I had no real idea of how to behave, how to fit in or how to feel at ease within my own skin. All of this was born in my mind, through my thoughts. That’s the cunning part of my addiction, once I had put down the drink, I had to deal with the gremlins spinning around in my mind.
Whilst the gremlins may always try to spin, I’ve discovered they don’t like the light.
My addiction was encased by darkness and all I had to do was open the window of recovery, little by little, and let my secrets out.
I just wish someone had shown me that a little sooner, but I know now I had to be ready…but that’s a whole other story.
Until next time, sending love and light,
My name is Georgie and for the last 11 years I have been in active addiction. You name it and I have been addicted to it (apart from sex..much to my boyfriend's disappointment!)
Here is my story and my journey through recovery.
Who am i? How did this happen? Why am I telling you this?
My name is Georgie, I am an addict and this is my truth. I'd love to hear from you so please feel free to get in touch via the email below.